I pity you that autumn is not long
go for a walk
10.21 A long overdue walk
It's like I've been in a hurry and today I happened to be willing to slow down and throw myself into the fall for a short break.
I like to be alone at night, especially a quiet, deserted night, with a little bit of coolness is best, the cold wind does not matter, slowly walk for a while.
The street lamp, with its somewhat yellowish glow, looked at that light, and a number of similar moments flashed through my mind:
Senior winter break online class, a very reluctant and confused point in time, retired more than a year, but the grades are not a great deal of improvement, not a lot of time until the high school entrance exams, and I'm still in a muddle, a little confused. So decided to go downstairs for a walk. Cold wind, freezing me a bit of a trance. Looked at the bare branches, and street lamps under the cold light, as well as few cars on the road, recalling the scene of their own retirement a year ago, whether it is sub-zero temperatures, freezing red ears, or confused and disappointed state of mind, are so similar.
Freshman year of college, so many nights I was plagued with problems, irritable moods, incapable of bearing the sense of responsibility, self-blame, and the disappointment of others, I still chose to come out for a walk alone, quiet night and difficult to calm down, chagrin. It took effort, but the harder I tried, the harder it was to control my mood and slowly break down. I may have never so truly experienced the torture that anxiety brings to people, as if a beast deep in the mire, the more you struggle, the deeper you get stuck.
I seem to be a bit of a self-mutilator, enjoying these moments of solo emo confusion, like dissecting my insides a little bit and then memorizing the constructs, leaving them for the future to savor over and over again the chagrin and pain of the moment. But this kind of outdoor alone time, and like a good medicine, healing. I still feel lost and anxious on walks, and I worry about what I'll do if I don't get dispatched even after a walk. Amazingly, the moment I push open the door to my dormitory or home, the negativity is long gone, and my soul is cleansed once again.
gutless
I've been feeling a bit more aware of myself lately, as if all personalities come from one root: timidity.
I feel like I'm an introvert, and a lot of times I don't want to socialize because I'm actually afraid to, and I'm also afraid that I won't be accepted by others. I'm probably a more careful person, and I try to be cautious about many things and plan ahead as much as possible, which, frankly speaking, is essentially a fear of accidents happening in the future. I'm also motivated, I always want to try more things, but I'm also worried that I won't have the skills or know how to use them in the future. Anxiety, too, is always worrying that you won't be able to deal with the problem at the right time, which often ends in a breakdown. Of course, there are other things, but I can't think of them right now.
Yes, I chickened out.
mellow
Maturity, a word that has haunted me for a long, long time. I don't know when, but it's something I've never given much thought to before that pops into my head so often, and I always look at myself over and over again, hoping to see a little bit of growth. So much of what I've done so far seems to be just wishing that I could look a little more adult and mature.
That is, until I recently swiped on the Clutter video. One of my favorite upvoters was talking about a word that is particularly close to my heart.
The world never rewards you with anything for your maturity, it's a handout for meeting their management's expectations.
In his description, maturity does not seem to be a positive word, he is more like a shackle. Yes, maturity is a *. A *er of myself, turning my evaluation of something from whether it was fun or not, whether I liked it or not entirely into have I grown up, is this mature, does this kind of thing make sense. Maturity and a sense of meaning are working hard to turn me into a boring adult, there or rather, a boring, emotionally stable child. Recently, I've also really felt as if I don't have strong mood swings about a lot of things anymore, and even if I'm not happy, it's only for a split second. The little crybaby who broke down and cried under the covers, and the little goofball who couldn't stop laughing seem to be far away from me.
Growing up is a painful word, when you mature, you don't necessarily gain anything, but you definitely lose something
Am I still me? Instead of getting satisfaction after a process that wasn't comfortable and could even be described as painful, I felt even more immature and became boring and tedious. Is this really right.
alternate
I've been a bit of a talk show fan lately, and have gotten Passion by Paying Voyage!!!! I've been infected by Fu Hang's Passion! Jia consumed to talk about their own lost love, blurted out a "Jia consumed you now have nothing, you only career." Suddenly a little bit feel the tacit understanding between men, a little bit understand his bitterness at that time, this time or that time to support me all the way through precisely this sentence, even except the name of a sentence, a little bit of emotion. Maybe we all just want a little self-identification.
postscript
10.11 Nights
It's been a while since I've put pen to paper, and I've been busy lately. Don't quite have the time to do this look, but there's really been so much I've wanted to say lately.
Starting in August, the multi-school simulation tournament plus every weekend coincidentally refreshed the task, the summer is full, back to school is also, at first a little muddled after a few days, then began a busy sophomore year, first of all, the material team supplies, Huaming Graphic Arts, West Learning Supermarket, the South 5th floor back and forth, spent a lot of time and energy. Then there was the very retarded class schedule of my sophomore year, almost every day full of classes, I also had to play ICPC and CCPC online tournaments on Saturdays, as well as stayed up three nights to play a modeling game, after which I felt that my heart had not been very comfortable, and I felt that I was about to send it to the mail. On top of that, I was still finding time to work on the orientation party in September and finish the first trial, and at the end of September, I was paralyzed with exhaustion from all the hard work I had put into the reunion, which was extraordinarily heartbreaking.
Generally speaking, I will go out to play a good planning, buy things in advance, I do not know that a while is too tired or out of the trust of the king Niu Ma, basically did not worry about what things to go, the National Day in Chengdu and Chongqing vacation accidentally happy, but unfortunately do not have the time to write a travelogue, probably will make up for it later.
10.20 Night
OK, it turned out to be a busy ten days and no time for blogging again.
Yesterday, I just finished the welcome party, after more than a month of work, it is finally over. Then today is in the library soak a day, engaged in a day of counting network experiment, but seems to have no results, and come back at night and a little want to vomit, I do not know whether it is last night show off after the barbecue and then catch a cold, a little hard.
A few days ago, I successfully made the demo of the intelligent question and answer, and also timely withdrew from that project. I plan to finish the CCSP at the end of the month and then focus on the exam, and then go to work on Zhang sir's project.
Lately the desire to express myself has been very low, and the words always come out very un-nutritious, with a feeling of loss of speech.
The blog has been offline for two months now, and it's certainly not that there's nothing to say, but it's been a bit too full. Been busy, busy with all sorts of things.
Still think of a year, just went to college in two months, only to feel that I was very fragile, like just out of the cocoon of the butterfly, while embracing their own little pride, while looking curiously outside the cocoon of the world, full of expectations, surrounded by flowers, but your wings are not strong, a small wind blowing you have to slow down on half a day. But the good thing is not easy to give up, slowly wings, although timid, although weak, but also quite brave, at least relative to the caterpillar is so.
A few days ago, I received a letter from my last year's self, and now that I think about it, the biggest thing I can say is that I'm growing up, and so are my problems, and fortunately, I'm growing up a little faster. Last year, I was anxious about the class program, this year the same time is busy with the preparation of the whole welcome party, but just feel that there is not enough time; last year, I was still anxious about the English homework, in fact, sophomore homework is more, and also today is also rolled a day, not much fruitful day; last year, I was still in the relationship anxiety, it is very tormented, and now it is just a blur and even a little bit of gratitude.
When school started last year, it was a time of the most low self-esteem, low self-esteem for my introversion, low self-esteem for my good friends at the time who had achieved great things while I was floundering, and low self-esteem for my weakness. These things probably have something to do with personality, now I have some honors in the competition (although still very novice, right?), in the social aspect is also a lot more extroverted than before, the plan for the future is also much clearer, and even become in the eyes of others a bit excellent a person. But it seems that only I know it's not enough, I always think about it again and again after saying a sentence or making a decision, there is still a lot of room for improvement. Before, I always envy those who are confident, can easily get that kind of self-satisfaction, do things will not be afraid to finish. Now it seems, can only say that each to their own strengths, too conceited but will invite others to hate, good reflection is not necessarily a bad thing.
Now still like to send QQ space, but the purpose is different, before is to want to crazy to get the recognition of others, hope that this can let themselves have a little pride, now more is to share the moment. Now it seems that the first year of college a little lost themselves, and recently realized that the kind of like to go around showing off this is not what I want, or low-key astringent a little bit suitable for me.
From the senior that heard two words, quite reasonable. People's energy is limited, so there will be trade-offs on things, in the past, it always feels like there is no opportunity to do anything to find a channel, and now I just feel that I want to do things, there are too many things that can be done, but unfortunately, I do not have enough experience, so I can only hesitate for half a day and then make trade-offs, and make a lot of choices in a grinding manner. There is also the fact that most people are cannon fodder, no matter what they do, the ones who succeed will always be the minority, and then this year is my seventh year of diligently and without complaint being cannon fodder in the algorithm competition.
Every step of the road counts, a lot of things will end in an unexpected way, believe that everything is the best arrangement, from about half a year ago, there will always be a kind of feeling of forcing themselves, in fact, is a bit of self-importance, an impulse to participate in or enroll in something, and then the back of the real get up on the feeling that they are a bit of the end of the crossbow, but the good thing is that each have gained, like the Challenge Cup, although there is nothing Results, but very successful acquaintance of Zhang sir; and then Dean Chen's project team, the middle of the feeling of inappropriateness, thought to end hastily, very unexpectedly, the last week of anger and efforts to succeed in the demo to get a roughly, and then the meeting of the 2h have a very surprising visualization to do a good job of a perfect finale on the run.
Let's leave these two paragraphs as a postscript.
10.22 Night
Tomorrow is CCSP Basically not prepared for anything, then straight to jail for 1+12 hours tomorrow.
These two days always think of the previous two nightmares, when dreaming just feel very difficult, the dream also did not realize that it is dreaming, and even in the waking up did not have too much emotional ripples, but these two days to think back to actually some of the aftermath of the fear.
One was a dream where I was gnashing my teeth so hard that they were shattered; and another dream was a dream where I had a big cut on my back, and when I accidentally tore it, the whole back was bloody, which is still a little scary when I think about it.
Night of 10.26
Okay, this is the fourth time I've written a blog. In the last two days, I finished the CCSP, and also managed to take the first silver medal in the national competition in my life, although it's not a big competition, and then the CNCC in the last two days is just roughly read, the more wanted to read about the knowledge graph will be accidentally missed, and the rest feels a bit too far away, so much so that the next two or three days are swinging + making up homework. I'm really going to write this post today.